Tip—Regardless of our love and protection, wisdom and effort, children will move outside our control.
One of our authors recently shared her thoughts about becoming the parent of a middle-schooler. She writes us, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my son’s recent transition into middle school. He’s 11 now and just started the sixth grade. A parent educator I know once commented to me that when parents reach the 5-year-old mark with their young children, they sigh in relief and sort of rest on their laurels until the more challenging teen years set in. I’ve done my best to stay on my feet and off my laurels, up to this point—but I know that parenting needs to change as children grow and middle school is a big change in kids’ lives.”
Middle school counselor Louise Tracy, M.S., author of Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager, points out that our children are now becoming more independent. They are away from us for longer periods and increasingly making more of their own decisions and dealing with the consequences. This is the natural course of events. We’d all like to be able to trust our children to behave appropriately in every situation, but we know sometimes they will make poor choices.
It’s easy to feel betrayed and outraged when our youngster makes a bad decision. Tracy comments that most of us operate with the belief that it’s a parent’s job to know what is right and good for our children, follow through on it, and do our best to keep them from experiencing failure, embarrassment, ill health, pain, and every other negative thing life serves up.
The problem with this belief (besides the fact that it’s plainly impossible) is that it denies children the opportunity for the emotional growth they must have if they are to survive in their own world successfully. If we don’t allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from them, they won’t develop any muscles for the life ahead of them.
Tools—Most of us would agree with Tracy’s assertion that middle school youngsters need to experience the consequences of their own decisions in order to grow—but we have a harder time with how this philosophy translates into our parenting tactics. She offers a few new ideas.
- Obedience is not synonymous with learning. Up till this point, we may have assumed that following the rules or minding a parent will get our children where they need to be. Children transition from absolute parental control (infancy) to self-control (young adulthood) over the course of 18 years. They need to increasingly make their own decisions along the way and learn from them—good ones and bad ones. Obedience by itself isn’t enough. Tracy advises, “Ask yourself if you’re teaching your child to think or to argue? To be responsible or to simply obey?”
- “Help” can be a four-letter word. When a parent frequently “helps” a youngster with good advice, it often comes across as judgment. Tracy points out that when our children really just need someone to listen, we often jump in with advice, criticism, or unsolicited opinions.
- Growth can be more important than success. An example from another author: “Last year my 15-year-old stepson failed his high school Spanish class. He had a lot of trouble with the teacher (that happens when you decide to sleep through class). Despite consequences at home and at school, he failed to put forth the effort to pass. This did not feel like success to the parents involved, let me tell you. But this year, he decided to re-take the class. On his own, he requested a different teacher. So far, he sounds positive about the class. Although last year was unpleasant, I can see growth on his part. Long-term growth can be a lot more important than immediate success.”
You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager by Louise Felton Tracy, M.S.
